Below are the 4 most recent journal entries recorded in call me Ishamel's LiveJournal:

Wednesday, October 27th, 2004
4:20 am	time heals all things, except these crazy eyes. I used to be able to talk to him for hours about random stuff and have a good time doing it. Now everything is stagnant, boring, old. It's funny how things worked out that way... Gotta try gotta try for tomorrow if you can't see through today 8 more months. If I'm lucky. I'll only have to be here for 8 more months. How could I think that I had found love? Twice. At least if I was ugly I would know whether it was actually love on their part. Snake:Change sides? I don't recall saying I was on yours. Raiden: So it was artificial on my end too. It was just a game, not the real thing. I feel better knowing that. I was in love -- or thought I was -- with someone who didn't exist. I was trying to be someone I wasn't by loving what wasn't real. I don't know who you really are. The person I knew isn't real; she's not the woman I'm talking to right now. In a sense, the deception was my own,not theirs. Snake: Not happy about that? Get over it. Raiden: Then what are you and Otacon fighting for? Snake: A future. Raiden: It's no use... Olga: I know I'm going to hell Fortune: You bastard! Rose: You have to beLIEve me! Raiden : Who am I really... Snake : No one quite knows who or what they are. [Raiden spins around to see Snake standing right beside him.] Snake : The memories you have and the role you were assigned are burdens you have to carry. It doesn't matter if they were real or not. That's never the point. [Real life footage of New York City.] Snake : There's no such thing in the world as absolute reality. Most of what they call real is actually fiction. What you think you see is only as real as your brain tells you it is. Raiden : Then what am I supposed to believe in? What am I going to leave behind when I'm through? Snake : We can tell other people about -- having faith. What we had faith in. What we found important enough to fight for. It's not whether you were right or wrong, but how much faith you were willing to have, that decides the future. The Patriots are a kind of ongoing fiction too, come to think of it.... Raiden : ... Snake : Listen, don't obsess over words so much. Find the meaning behind the words, then decide. You can find your own name. And your own future... Raiden : Decide for myself...? Snake : And whatever you choose will be you. Raiden : I don't know if I can... Snake : I know you didn't have much in terms of choices this time. But everything you felt, thought about during this mission is yours. And what you decide to do with them is your choice... Raiden : You mean start over? Snake : Yeah, a clean slate. A new name, new memories. Choose your own legacy. It's for you to decide. It's up to you. Snake : By the way, what is that? [Snake notices Raiden's dog tag. Raiden takes it off to look at it.] Raiden : Dog tags? [The dog tag says the player's name and birth date and whatever else the player entered in the first node.] Snake : Anyone you know? Raiden : No, never heard the name before. I'll pick my own name...and my own life. I'll find something worth passing on. [He throws the dog tag as far as he can.] Jack : Can I ask you something? Who am I really? Rose : I wouldn't know. But we're going to find out together, aren't we? Raiden : Uh? Yeah... Rose : See me for what I am, okay? Jack : I know. [Scenes of New York.] Rose : Do you remember this place? Jack : Of course. This is where we first met... I remember now -- Today is the day I met you. That's it. I think I found something to pass along to the future. He said all living things want their genes to live on. Rose : Are you talking about the baby? Jack : Yeah. But genes aren't the only thing you pass on. There are too many things that aren't written into our DNA. It's up to us to teach that to our children. Rose : What kind of things? Jack : About the environment, our ideas, our culture... poetry... compassion... sorrow... joy... We'll tell them everything... together. Rose : Is that a -- proposal? Jack : This is for your ears -- only... [Cue the closing credits of the game.] [After the credits there is another monlogue from Snake. This is accompanied by more scens of New York City.] Snake : Life isn't just about passing on your genes. We can leave behind much more than just DNA. Through speech, music, literature and movies... what we've seen, heard, felt ...anger, joy and sorrow... these are the things I will pass on. That's what I live for. We need to pass the torch, and let our children read our messy and sad history by its light. We have all the magic of the digital age to do that with. The human race will probably come to an end some time, and new species may rule over this planet. Earth may not be forever, but we still have the responsibility to leave what traces of life we can. Building the future and keeping the past alive are one and the same thing. the things you can learn from MGS. Who am I really... Current Mood: sad (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, October 22nd, 2004
2:34 pm	Sad. As usual. I am supposed to meet Claire today somewhere but I don't know how to get in touch with her... GAH. I didn't want to stand her up like she said I would. DAMN IT. Bye bye everyone. Time to drift away. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, October 20th, 2004
4:20 am	Tell me. Do you think I need to chill? Cause god damn it. My lasy lj entry on stungauge was nice and calm. Angry but calm and everyone was like...she needs to chill. And then Dylan chimes about ripping me apart as usual. Sometimes I think things are getting better. How wrong I am. Oh how wrong. Whatever. I don't have anything to say to them anymore. I don't want to chill. I want to kill you. Don't FUCK WITH ME. Alex. Confuses me. And I want him to die. DIE DIE DIE DIE. I guess I am alienating everyone by being so angry. Well fuck them. They made me angry. I don't understand myself. Why I want things to be okay. The people that have hurt me don't deserve anything. Not from me. Except maybe a beating. So there it is. You're just mad cause your stupid pebble theory didn't work out and you don't know how to control your anger...oh yeah? And you're ugly. Long live Ace. He's a dick. He's slick and his cock is godstatus. bitch. (Comment on this)
Monday, October 11th, 2004
4:20 am	I'm an example of a candle lit life with electric relaxation I wish I knew what to say. I have to record this somewhere. So here it goes. I don't want Dylan to read this but if he does then I won't deny it. I still care a lot about him and in light of recent events I must say I hope things get better for him. At the same time. Karma. he said this on his blog...All I have done this quarter is my best. I've tried to keep everything together and running smoothly but then things out of my control just stomp on it. It's like turning around and having your best friend hate you and having you best friend hate you and having no clue why. No. It's like turning around and finding that your best friend hates you and you know you haven't done anything to deserve it...heh. Yeah it is. Maybe it is worse for Dylan. But I know what I felt. And that's exactly it. I wonder if he will ever know that his words ring true to my ear. Can you feel it? Can you feel yourself bleed and implode? It sucks doesn't it. Yeah. I promise things will get better...but karma must even itself out. I think I'm due for some good karma. Maybe it's me. So in response to Dylan's blog I must say. I think I know how you feel. At some level. You don't have to believe me or care. But maybe you could think about it for a while. Cause this hurts. Don't even lie. Current Mood: satisfied Current Music: TV (Comment on this)